Won't Break Each Other

You won't admit it, but quite frankly the idea of a relationship scares the sh** out of you. You don't want someone to be able to claim they know every little detail about you. You don't want someone to possess the power to hurt you. You don't want to vulnerable. You don't want someone to hold the power to break you.

I don't blame you, I'm exactly like you.

The first time we met, we could tell that there was something special about us. From the very beginning we had power to make each other ecstatic, nervous and confused to the point of insanity. So from the very start we both decided to play it safe. Blow off the "subtle" flirting. Ignore the lingering "accidental" touches. Both of us avoiding what was between us. Unwilling to face the possibility of rejection. It became a game of pride.

If it is just a game, then who's coming out on top? The one who can act the most unaffected? The one who can bear the most pain? Where does is stop? I don't want to hurt you, but at the same time I can't let you think I care. Care about us. I have to play my cards just right: I need to come out looking unscathed. I need to look like I can walk away untouched.

I mean, it was never really official between us. So is there really anything to walk away from? Or maybe the fact that there was something unofficial, something unknown, was too much to walk away from. We can put on brave faces and walk in two different directions, but we keep looking back wondering what exactly we have left behind.

We both want to keep our hearts grounded. Both of them have flown too high a couple times. So high that when they came crashing down we refused to ever put ourselves in a situation that could possibly lead to the same painful ending.

It was easier when we were little, wasn't it? Young and reckless. So willing to take risks. Completely open to the possibility of love because all we could see were fairytales and happily ever afters. But then our world got bigger and more dangerous. And now the risks are too great and never seem to be worth it.

So you and I both try and shelter our hearts, but not realize that we're only breaking them a little more. And maybe trying to work things out between us could mend the pain of the past.

We'll blame each other when talking to our friends. We'll even try to convince ourselves. But subconsciously we both know that we both could have tried a little harder.

And every time my phone goes off, I'll secretly be hoping your name lights up my screen.

Maybe I'll even give my number to that cute boy I work with because I'm trying to move on from you. Against my better judgement I might even agree to a date or two.

We'll both continue this way: walking around feigning an air of indifference while internally hoping that it would have just worked out.

I know of your ex-girlfriend and your sister and how you dream of traveling the world and that stupid little necklace of yours that seems to make no sense is a reminder for you of the possibility of achieving your dreams. You know of the boy that broke me last year and how my brother is the most important person in my life and my addiction to hot chocolate and how walking around in the rain makes me feel so so so happy.

I know you and you know me.

And that's the problem. I know you. You know me. We can break each other.

So instead we stay away from each other and break ourselves.