I'd Rather Feel Pain Than Nothing At All

“If I could take all of this away and make sure you never had to feel this way I would.”

“I wouldn’t let you. I’d rather have it this way than not have it at all.” I looked at him and smiled. He just stared at me, bewildered. He didn’t get it.

I couldn’t explain it to him without sounding crazy. I was in pain. I was heartbroken and furious and lost. But I felt alive.

Feeling is what makes us alive. Happiness, sadness, anger, confusion, excitement, dread, hope. Anything that makes us feel something is what makes us feel like we are living. I’m not naïve, I know people can’t always be happy. That’s not what life was meant to be. Life isn’t happiness and laughter only. You need pain and suffering to truly experience life. Life is a combination of every possible feeling. I know I can’t always be happy. I know sometimes it’s just not my turn to be happy. But when it’s not my turn to be happy, I’d rather feel sadness and confusion over nothing. I want to always be feeling something. Because that is the meaning of life. If I feel nothing, I’m just existing. I don’t want my pain to be taken away from me only to be replaced by nothing. I’d rather be heartbroken than empty.

When I feel nothing, I do nothing. I lose motivation. I lose inspiration. I lose myself. I stop caring about everything. I stop eating and sleeping. Yet I can’t force myself to get out of bed. I stop talking to my friends. Yet I miss them but feel like I can’t reach out to them. I become a body that goes through the motions of life with no real purpose.

But when I’m angry, when I’m hurt or feel like my world is falling apart? I scream and cry. I demand answers, I push myself to find some sort of purpose. Something that makes it all worth it. I find a way to be happy again. I rather feel pain than nothing at all because it reminds that I’m still here. It reminds me that I still care. It reminds me that I have something worth fighting for.

You see…even when I’m hurting, even when it feels like my lungs are burning, my hearts being shattered, I’m feeling too sick to even stand and my ribs are being ripped apart…I’m feeling something. It’s a fiery, unbearable pain, but it reminds me that I alive and I need to fight. It’s hard and tiring and I sure as hell want to give up more times than not, but until I feel nothing, I am reminded that I am alive and that I care and I want to feel better. If I feel nothing, if I am empty, I’ll give up. And then I’ll just exist. I’ll stop living.